Just a little Panic

Let's just throw it out there...I suffer from PTSD or post traumatic stress disorder...It has been well under control for about the past 15 years or so, except for an occasional bout here and there. Over the past 3 or 4 days...I feel it creeping in. These are times when everyday life becomes a bit too much. Gas $4.15 a gallon, tax bills, rising grocery costs, broken hand, and for me the physical symptoms that go along with the psychological ones...back ache, stomach ache, jitters, general feeling of un-well being (if that's a word). The picture of my desk right now should shoot panic through even the strongest person! And then my first book for school arrived yesterday and the syllabus that goes with it. *sigh. I am a person that is better off without a break. I find myself going through mild bouts of PTSD related crap after every school break or every vacation or every little bit of down time in my life. For those of you that are amazed at how much I do...I do it because that is what makes me function best. Now....here's the thing...some of you will say that slowing down is a good thing...that's what makes the world go 'round. And others will say...slow down so you can feel the feelings. Well, here's the deal I have felt the feelings and lived with the feelings and feel the feelings often, but physically they don't agree with me. So, I choose the breakneck pace of life and that works for me. This process keeps me focused on the positive feelings and the joy I am blessed to live with on a regular basis. But other times...the joy is taken over by panic. This time...just a little, but more than I care to experience. I have 34 weekends of school left and I am already a bit apprehensive about the 'reentry' to regular life. My dear husband says...oh don't worry about that...you'll be working two or three new jobs or something else crazy to keep you busy. Ah yes...he knows me too well. And I believe he is right. The FIRST thing I plan to do upon graduating is to get a second job...using my new skills to pay some bills and build the nest egg. (Gee, that sounds like an old person talking doesn't it?)

So, now that I've cleared my mind of that...I know that once I get through this week, once preschool graduation is over, once my desk is caught up, once my kids are done with school, once I'm back in school...it'll all be good. And I'll be back to the joy.

Until next time...